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abbeynormal's "Goals that make me LAUGH"

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I’ve come across some seriously funny, outrageous, crazy, ridiculous, and thought-provoking goals on 43things… , but that I would seriously adopt if I thought that they were possible… Which some of them ARE.

This is where I’ll list them!

climb mount everest and at the summit wail on a guitar to a 80's hair metal act like Van Halen or Dokken while fighter jets fly over streaming the stars and stripes and bigfoot trucks driven by swimsuit models climb up the mountain.

make one super-vegetable that contains all other vegetables until there are no more vegetables but my vegetable and i shall take over the world with my vegetable

make peace with vegetables

enjoy colonic irrigation with judith chalmers

fill all my bodily orafaces with tobacco and limes

see a leopard fight a oyster

see a priest fight a wizard

watch Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have a fist fight.

celebrate my David Lynch-themed birthday, and ensuing quarter life train wreck, by violently purging my stomach lining and destroying any sense of decency I once had by snorting cocaine off a backward-speaking midget’s back

10.

paint a tasteful portrait of Christ on a bike

11.

Create an army of cybernetically enhanced warriors mounted on giant armored chickens

12.

go to a drunken party, but not be drunk. Maybe have a buzz but let the drunk people entertain me, like TV

13.

find my glorious image on a piece of toast, sell it on ebay for a grand sum of money, donate the proceeds to my favorite charity

14.

Sell my soul for an outrageous sum of money, then buy it back cheaply and make a huge profit

15.

drink that purp, or sizzurp

16.

find myself on the planet Ogo, part of an intellectual elite preparing to subjugate the barbarian hordes on Pluto...more often

17.

I wanna ride my harley on planet pluto beneath flying unicorns and aliens drunk on vodka

18.

fight an evil killer robot ninja monkey and his legion of super mutant zombie monkeys, with the help of my friend, future eddee and his trusty sidekick, nacho the super duper donkey on vodka

19.

unite pirates and ninjas

20.

lasso a fly with a string, then let it fly around attached to my string leash

21.

skip to class in the morning while the world explodes around me in a plethora of beautiful sonic explosions caused by the collision of multiple strings of space-time after a comet strikes the pope

22.

I want to be someone or see someone taking a break from eating rolls to roll a joint while they roll while drinking a rolling rock while listening to rock and roll in a rolls thats rolling through some rolling hills

23.

show my former diocese priest a series of disturbing vacation slides showing my descent from good wholesome catholic boy to a perverse gap-toothed maniac intent on turning my house into an exact replica of a Cluedo board with candlestick furnishings.

24.

experience everything and write it all down as it happens. Best book ever!

25.

run through an Amish village naked covered with nintendo controllers, xmas lights and an Ipod buttplug all while screaming "IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN, IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN."

26.

Remind all those stuck-up,mean-spirited,haute couture-hypnotized,frozen-beauties that they're just walking mini-oceans with oily chunks of tissue supported by rickety calcium rods that are wrapped up in a semi-permeable,UV resistant membrane.

27.

I want to dress up like a pirate, hijack a galleon, and board cruise ships without permission. I won't steal anything -- just make the passengers drink rum and wake up wondering if the night before really happened...

28.

aggravate a yak

29.

Tickle the Pope

30.

Buy strange animals, put them in the living room and then deny knowing about how they got there when questioned by my roommates

31.

gather all the animal rights protesters in the world, put them in a room and gradually increase the pressure until they explode

32.

Zero in on my customers having a bad day, take them aside and ask them what sort of hand gesture they might make to show how they feel, and see if they will do it

33.

devour a bottle of Adrenochrome and wake up in a flooded hotel room with a dinosaur tail strapped to my butt, a recorder on my chest, drug paraphenalia floating across the room and a six-shooter in the toilet.

34.

make my keyboard and mouse have sex thus making some form of freaky new computer paraphernalia which I shall give the German sounding name of kouse or von meboard.

35.

revise enemies list, make up with any adversaries I have failed to vanquish thus far

36.

hold a party involving 500 loyal followers and a truckload of kool aid before discarding our human containers to ride a comet to heaven

37.

duplicate exactly the jim jones kool-aid massacre using only midgets and jager shots

38.

Invent a time machine, go back and invent said time machine yesterday so I have time machine right now

39.

Invent a time machine by accident

40.

have hair so radical it makes corporate dicks shrivel

41.

bend my mind with a spoon

42.

run with spoons

43.

be cryogenically stored until death is cured

44.

Cryogenically freeze myself until someone invents a time machine so i can go back in time to warn myself that it is too cold being cryogenically frozen.

45.

cover myself in double-sided tape and catapult myself at the whitehouse

46.

create the nexus for Smurf erotica on the internet

47.

become calm and tranquil like a buddhist monk meditating at Lake Placid and when people aren't expecting it *BAM!* I'll turn into a supersized ferocious crocodile and eat them.

48.

become so jaded and bitter that I drop out of society to live in the wilderness in a timber hut while tending to abstract mathematical theorems, the "MANIFESTO" and have conversations with the ghosts of dead 80's hair metal acts.

49.

Create "Internet: the musical"

50.

build a village for midgets to live in with mice dressed up as tiny people so they can pretend to be giants

51.

be the luckiest man alive so that i am not stabbed 178 times by magical fighting foo-foo bunnies or hideous miniature giant space monsters that can surely leap dramatically out from under my mattress to find refuge from the scary dimension they came from

52.

get really frikken rich off internet scams so i can pay some mexican to do all this for me

53.

Set up a communications network in Hell

54.

fondle a train conductor

55.

cut an eskimo in half to get to the noughat center

56.

become a zombie-pirate-vampire-ninja-robot-werewolf-secret agent-jedi-assassin-gangsta with telekinesis and my own talk show co-starring Seth Green

57.

beat a mouse to death with licorice

58.

go to Las Vegas and become a minister of a wedding chapel dressed up like a flying Elvis and marry drunk people with a pink flamingo on a leash by my side

59.

marry in a small church by the sea with a dead flamingo pink shantung dress

60.

fax cheese

61.

fax an orgasm

62.

Slap someone with a fish

63.

see a forklift lift a crate of forks...it would be so damn literal for me...You're using that machine for its exact purpose, that machine has been misunderstood for years!

64.

grow a mustache and wax the ends, so I can skewer people

65.

put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room

66.

find the meaning to life and keep it to myself

This is abbeynormal's list. Only abbeynormal can edit it. You can make your own version of this list.

Created by abbeynormal on Aug 28, 2006.