Jarod Kintz's "I want..."

1. I want to be reincarnated as a coffee table that’s allergic to coffee.

2. I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs.

3. I want to be a bottle of hair gel, and host a TV show for Spike.

4. I want to skydive before I die. Immediately before I die.

5. I want to be buried right next to my father, but I can’t tell either you or the police the exact location until after I’m gone.

6. I want to be a member of a band. Preferably the penis of the lead singer.

7. I want to make a sweater out of moths, because I’m tired of moths eating my clothing. If anybody’s going to eat my clothing, it’ll be me eating a jacket made out of Jell-O.

8. I want eleven times more money than The Mythical Mr. Boo, because he has ten times too much.

9. I want my enemies to be turned into English muffins, and their lies morphed into jam, because I want them to realize how all-consuming I really am.

10. I want to have a face not of flesh, but of reflective glass, so that I could stare at my face in the mirror ad infinum.

11. I want to walk around in public naked, holding an uneaten apple, because hey, you can’t tempt me.

12. I want to write a love letter to myself in third person. And I want to write it backwards on my forehead, so I can read it as I stare adoringly at myself in the mirror.