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Buffy's "1,000 Horrible Things"

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One thousand horrible things to do, to experience, to witness, or to have happen to you. Or maybe they aren’t horrible for you. . . in which case, I am afeared.

crash a car

witness a car crash

get bitten by a snake

break my arm

break a leg

have my leg amputated then have a wooden peg leg

heart attack

get divorced

get addicted

10.

GET ROBBED

11.

get fired

12.

be on fire

13.

Be shot

14.

Fight a bear.

15.

eat poop

16.

poop in my pants

17.

pee my pants

18.

have a hangover

19.

get my heart broken

20.

cancer

21.

contract hiv

22.

paralyzed

23.

identity theft

24.

carjacked

25.

emotional abuse

26.

Be hurt.

27.

unwanted pregnancy

28.

get aids

29.

incest

30.

be sad

31.

Be Depressed

32.

hurt my neck moshing

33.

get arrested

34.

spend a nite in jail

35.

plane crash

36.

drown in a pool of jello

37.

drown

38.

eat at 'the stinking rose; a garlic restaurant'

39.

Sit next to a baby on a plane

40.

be stuck in the middle seat on a plane

41.

get stuck in Lodi

42.

get bitten by a bear

43.

get bitten by a dog

44.

get evicted

45.

have your feelings hurt

46.

have the person you love break up with you

47.

break up with the person you love

48.

be in a bank when it is robbed

49.

have a gun pointed at you

50.

be teased until you cry

51.

tease someone until they cry

52.

lose something expensive or meaningful

53.

live with someone you hate

54.

hemorrhoids

55.

diarrhea

56.

food poisoning

57.

break your neck

58.

get snowed in at the airport

59.

tsunami

60.

Be in an earthquake

61.

be in a traffic jam

62.

foot blisters

63.

Fail a test you actually studied for

64.

be dumped

65.

get an STD

66.

Buy bum drugs

67.

become blind

68.

be blind and half deaf

69.

be a hippie

70.

Go to Texas

71.

Get mauled by a mountain lion

72.

frostbite

73.

fall down a flight of steps

74.

Accidentally breathe in the air escaping from a dog's anus

75.

breathe in the fumes of a camel's anus

76.

think fart is air and breathe it

77.

have someone call you "fatty"

78.

anaphylactic shock

79.

Electrical shock

80.

Get stabbed

81.

Get "pressed" on a train in Japan

82.

Outlive your child

83.

bank fraud perpetrated on your account

84.

get a speeding ticket

85.

get a speeding ticket in all fifty states

86.

computer virus

87.

get your computer hacked

88.

bad haircut

89.

pimples/zits

90.

paper cut

91.

hang nails

92.

get poked in the eye with a spear of asparagus

93.

choking and being unable to breathe

94.

get sick right before a planned vacation

95.

Be broke

96.

Wake up to someone and immediately regret whatever you did last night

97.

cut one of my fingers off

98.

cut off my head

99.

cut off a finger

100.

Get cut off on the highway

101.

Spend $10 to see a horrible movie

102.

zit on the nose

103.

Hair in your food

104.

Drink a glass of milk then realize the milk is lumpy

105.

Taxi-jacked in Mexico City

106.

Attacked by monkeys in Indonesia

107.

Liver disease

108.

Aneurysm

109.

be anorexic

110.

be bulimic

111.

be obese

112.

Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus

113.

open a can of green beans, remove the green beans, and drink the juice

114.

Be retro.

115.

Be cheated on

116.

Be on a sinking boat

117.

go skinny-dipping during a red tide

118.

Get caught in a rip tide

119.

experience amnesia

120.

Migraine headaches

121.

Drop a contact lens on the floor

122.

decapitation

123.

Drop a ring in the movie theater while the movie is showing and hear it roll down under the seats to God knows where

124.

Be attacked by a shark

125.

Splinters

126.

Splinters under the nail

127.

meet barbra streisand

128.

be caught in a storm at sea

129.

Get caught in a cyclone

130.

Be caught naked by someone who really shouldn't be seeing you naked

131.

experience a hurricane

132.

Get caught by your roommate and her boyfriend when you are inserting a tampon while standing naked in the middle of your dorm room.

133.

Throw up on a guy while engaging in fellatio

134.

Be stalked

135.

Find out your baby is actually a really small voyeur

136.

yeah well my dad does drink and my parents got a divorce so stop your wining i saw them fight and it was violent i lost my dog because of it so shut-up at least your parents are still together you big whiner

137.

Getting thrown out of the house by your parents

138.

Being forced to hang out with your mother's/father's new "friend"

139.

Drop something in the toilet and have to fish it out

140.

Drop something in a public toilet and have to fish it out

141.

Toilet back splash

142.

stub your toe

143.

ingrown toenail

144.

fungus under the toe nail

145.

Get humped by a dog

146.

Pills stuck in your throat

147.

Be stuck with a crazy homeless person in the train on your commute home

148.

Experience being homeless

149.

Get stung by Africanized bees.

150.

Get stung by a sting ray

151.

wear a frilly poet's shirt

152.

Get lost in the desert

153.

become an alcoholic

154.

live in los angeles

155.

have season tickets to the Los Angeles Angels baseball club.

156.

Drive on the wrong side of the road

157.

drive across the plains at night in a plains fog and be unable to see the road, then a truck goes by and you realize you were driving on the wrong side of the highway

158.

jump off a bridge

159.

fall off of a bridge

160.

I want my baby back baby back baby back ribs.I want my baby back baby back ribs baby back ribs. I want my baby back baby back baby back ribs. Chillis..barbeque sauce

161.

drop a baby

162.

do the YMCA dance at a wedding

163.

Go to a wedding with a cash bar

164.

Have socks that continuously slip down your ankles and under your heels while you are walking

165.

spill tea on my keyboard

166.

Buy a beer at the ballgame, then trip on the stairs going back to your seat and spill the whole beer on your shoes

167.

Go to DMV

168.

lose your driver's license

169.

Pay my taxes

170.

drop a mirror

171.

Turn up the music in your headphones real loud because of a quiet song then the next song blasts into your ears at 180 decibels

172.

Accidentally erase something you REALLY shouldn't have erased

173.

sleep with your grandmother

174.

remember the formula for that cancer cure I came up with in 1984 and accidentally threw out with the pizza box.

175.

accidentally sleep with your boss

176.

Biting your tongue while you are trying to eat

177.

Do a shot of a crackwhore's spinal fluids.

178.

spinal cord issues

179.

Crick in the neck

180.

Gored by a bull in Pamplona

181.

Groped by an old man in Sicily

182.

Tormented by the laughter of small children in China

183.

Become Ozzy Osbourne

184.

stomach flu

185.

chicken pox

186.

have the chicken pox as an adult

187.

take one of my eyes out but leave the nerve attached and look into my other eye with it

188.

Have the evil eye cast upon you

189.

Wave at someone because you think they're waving at you, only to find out that they are waving at someone behind you

190.

I have been to the parts of Detroit you don't go to and walked the streets alone at 6am.

191.

Fart while you are walking down the street, then have someone swiftly walk past you and realize they were right behind you

192.

burn dinner

193.

burn breakfast

194.

burn water

195.

French kiss a smoker

196.

lose my money to a prostitute

197.

Lose a big wad of cash

198.

get into outnumbered fistfight, lose big

199.

Pour a big bowl of cereal, get your spoon, and the paper and pour orange juice then grab the milk and realize there is no milk and you are not having cereal this morning, not at all

200.

Be a snob

201.

Be forced to hang out with a snob just because you are related to them

202.

Eat hominy

203.

know why I have ghost and demons (they'resolid black blob. in my bedroom? I've told them to go to the light.I've commanded them in the name of Jesus Christ to leave,but they won't.What do they want ? And why are they in my bedroom? I think my neice rrough

204.

Have your relatives in from out of town then after they leave realize that they stole stuff out of your room

205.

get an exorcism

206.

Become possessed

207.

Be a yuppie

208.

To live like a hippie as a modern day yuppie

209.

Listen to Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" on repeat for eight hours

210.

Wake up looking like a character from Dark Crystal

211.

bad acid

212.

weed paranoia

213.

get a sunburn

214.

water in the ear

215.

have a cold shower

216.

wet socks

217.

Look for your keys for an hour then realize they're in your hand

218.

recluse spider bite

219.

You just need to staple ONE THING and there aren't any staples in the stapler, in the drawer, in the entire DAMNED house and you're running late and now your day is shot to hell

220.

genital warts

221.

spread awareness of herpes

222.

Accidentally drink the beer with the cigarette butts in it

223.

Lose every channel on your television except for the Home Shopping Network

224.

Improve my Contact Juggling and start a juggling club in W. Anaheim, CA.

225.

have insomnia

226.

have nightmares

227.

Smoke the wrong end of a lit cigarette

228.

be abducted by aliens

229.

be abducted

230.

Get abducted by pirates

231.

Get a drink thrown in my face

232.

Get thrown into the trunk of a car

233.

Be clausterphobic and get caught in an elevator with fifteen people for three hours

234.

join a sorority

235.

Have your house infested with fleas

236.

ant infestation

237.

eat a cockroach

238.

Come into your kitchen at night, flick on the light, and see four cockroaches sitting on your cutting board, and then they glance up and look at you and then start whispering among themselves and you know they're talking about you

239.

be spoiled

240.

agoraphobic

241.

fear of people of want to do everything "without fear"

242.

jazz music

243.

be in an experimental rock band.

244.

read poetry and novels and write a novel which seems full of poetry

245.

go to a poetry slam

246.

step in dog poop

247.

broke a foot

248.

Eat my foot

249.

be molded into a giant bowl of jell-o

250.

Be attacked by a snail

251.

procrastinating

252.

when you install it and run it.. it will ask, "Would you like to make FireFox your default browser?" (say yes!)

253.

Be subjected to the musical "42nd Street" when you hate musicals, but on top of that, have a raging headache due to your 105 degree fever and it seems like you are in the seventh dimension of hell, which includes lots of tap dancing and love songs.

254.

grow a third nipple

255.

rub franks hot sauce on my ass

256.

win a contest drinking hot sauce

257.

Try Live Octopus with Hot Sauce

258.

Party in New Orleans on New Years

259.

live in Coronado

260.

eat rats

261.

turn into a bunny

262.

Get a Red Sox tatoo!

263.

go to Oakland Raiders games

264.

yeast infection

265.

Have a sinus infection

266.

Consume 100% pure and undiluted aspartame

267.

be constipated

268.

Have your crawfish boil you

269.

Be caught in a riot

270.

Malaria

271.

Hand wrestle an anteater

272.

Engage in a brawl with at least forty Muppets

273.

Have a campfire spit out an ember which lands right in between two of my toes

274.

Take the SAT

275.

take psats

276.

See Unicorns

277.

Live next door to someone learning to play the accordion

278.

date my neighbor

279.

kick myself in the crotch

280.

Talk to a doctor about why my testicles are so many colors

281.

Get gum all tangled up and stuck in my hair

282.

toothache

283.

get my cavities filled

284.

get a root canal

285.

Have the sewer back up into your house

286.

blow my nose with a maxi pad

287.

eat a brussel sprout

288.

Find out firsthand how they "mechanically separate" chicken parts

289.

Tour a slaughterhouse

290.

Have someone steal all of the money from my pension fund

291.

Lose health insurance

292.

fuck bob

293.

say hello to bob

294.

Have anything to do with anyone named Bob

295.

poop oranges

296.

Psychotic exes

297.

Get my tubes snipped so I never give birth to disabled children like my sister did

298.

Don’t buy any more pop until I have drank all diet coke at home, and only drink 3 diet cokes a day.

299.

derail a train with my genitals

300.

be on the surreal life

301.

be Paris Hilton's friend

302.

be Paris Hilton

303.

be a Hooters Girl

304.

work at hooters

305.

Eat dinner at Hooters

306.

apply at hooters

307.

Go to a Hooters Restaurant

308.

live in Walt Disney World

309.

Go to Disneyland and be trapped by the corpse of Walt Disney and never ever be able to go home

310.

bare knuckle fight

311.

Become a Motivational Speaker

312.

Become a war refugee

313.

Lose the capacity to do anything in life except for play GO FISH

314.

have sex on the beach

315.

eat worms

316.

eat a mealy worm

317.

disco

318.

crochet a sequin sweater for my cat

319.

walk in stilletos

320.

Prove Darwin right by killing everyone else and watching myself morph into a master species

321.

Contract gonorrhea of the throat by going down on a Peruvian prostitute

322.

Scabies

323.

get my tonsils removed

324.

appendectomy

325.

labotomy

326.

Abducted in Brazil

327.

Cavity searched in Guam

328.

Indicted for terrorism in the U.S.A.

329.

compensate for my small penis

330.

get bitten by a vampire

331.

get bitten by a zombie

332.

be bitten by a lesbian

333.

Be bitten by a gecko with anger issues

334.

Get bitten by a cat

335.

pepsi

336.

malnutrition

337.

starve for a week

338.

starve to death

339.

eczema

340.

rickets

341.

danang fever

342.

have sex with a llama

343.

Have your nose broken in a fight with a spotted llama

344.

grow a goatee

345.

poke my own eye out with a sauldering iron

346.

eat a sponge

347.

give a hobo a sponge bath

348.

drink tea like a real man by pouring scolding water over my face, snorting the tea bag and crushing the tea pot against my forehead

349.

eat 100 doughnuts

350.

Slowly squeez the life out of Nancy Grace, have her stuffed and, hung over my fireplace.

351.

Squeeze a lemon then remember I have a paper cut

352.

Flat tire

353.

Handle my baby son in a way that doesn't resemble the way I handle a rugby ball.

354.

Continue to bite my son's girlfriend for each time she kisses me and kiss her for each time she bites me.

355.

Bite into a mealy apple

356.

cockroaches!

357.

Make people love airplane food

358.

Contract food poisoning from trying out some scary food in an exotic country

359.

Airplane food

360.

learn to control animals mind, set a whole of animals free, and have the tigers guard my secret base while i have the monkeys and gibbons stealgold at fort knox and then start a fake buisness as a front for my revolt of the animals to reclaim the world

361.

fight an evil killer robot ninja monkey and his legion of super mutant zombie monkeys, with the help of my friend, future eddee and his trusty sidekick, nacho the super duper donkey

362.

hug a monkey

363.

make a hot-air balloon hot tub

364.

know hot to hot wire a car beacuse my keys were lost when my friends went to a cemitary last night

365.

eat 10 raw eggs followed by 29 raw Chickens

366.

smell like raw chicken

367.

Smell raw sewage

368.

be under fire

369.

fight fire with fire (and have it actually work)

370.

get a coworker fired

371.

Get up, get ready, get to work, get some compensation, get fired up about a new week of blissful interaction with John Q. Public

372.

get Helen fired!

373.

when the time is right, steal Richard Bransons spaceships and become an intergalactic space villain whilst keeping the space female go-go dancers as crewmen and NOT be forced to comply to pastel uniform styles.

374.

screw space ships, i'll make an earth ship, and fly the whole earth through space

375.

go to a Scorpions concert

376.

Buy a white suite and dye my hair white

377.

anthrax

378.

botulism

379.

shock people

380.

Shock my teacher

381.

survive a gunshot wound to the head

382.

puncture wound

383.

watch the marching band march without me

384.

Be in marching band

385.

APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!! TE HE HE HE!!! MAYBE IF I WAS REALLY HAVING A CHILD TO BUILD A TIME MACHINE THEY COULD GO BACK AND MAKE ME GET PRANKED. BUT UNTIL THEN........HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!!!!!!

386.

Give up french fries for April in support of the people giving up caffeine for April

387.

go on a diet

388.

arthritis

389.

fibromyalgia

390.

Slightly burn your daddy

391.

Burn your hand on the coils in the oven

392.

punch something in a fit of anger and break your hand

393.

Accidentally shave off one eyebrow

394.

shave my eyebrows off

395.

tattoo on eyeliner

396.

expose myself

397.

expose my gaping anus

398.

promulgate the medicinal uses of bananas

399.

promulgate Bertrand Russell's liberal decalogue

400.

own a pretentious dog

401.

open a pretentious restaraunt

402.

take a pretentious yoga class

403.

go to an insane asylum

404.

be sent to an insane asylum

405.

Volunteer at a pyschiatric asylum

406.

Explore an abandoned asylum.

407.

kill mexicans

408.

be in a Mexican Standoff

409.

mexican television

410.

Fire a grapefruit out my cramhole

411.

convert all fried egg-eaters into scrambled egg-eaters

412.

Egg a car.

413.

start your own strange holiday (eg. Happy Aluminium Underpants Day)

414.

companys like john ropert powers but my mom didn‘t let me go further. So don’t ? your fate. God know your fate.. To get marry to him or to die tomorrow in a car crash. Life will be har to go through life thinking famous people are cute. There f

415.

Have your car egged

416.

punch a seagull in the back of the head

417.

blow up a seagull with baking soda

418.

Get a flock of seagulls haircut.

419.

stretch marks

420.

Create Orks

421.

Make Love All Night without getting leg cramps

422.

drink more water(emotional water drinking)

423.

miscarriage

424.

meet freddie mercury

425.

Fist fight a gremlin

426.

blow a snot rocket on someones head

427.

snarkfargling and snot-rockets

428.

eat penis

429.

pierce my penis

430.

wear diapers

431.

diaper cake

432.

diaper my mother

433.

incontinence

434.

abducted by female aliens

435.

abduct young schoolgirls

436.

abduct my love in a burlap sack

437.

Get abducted by Faeries

438.

Eat the a$$ out of a skunk

439.

Attacked by a skunk

440.

find out if I really do have a twin (and if I somehow absorbed her in utero)

441.

get my clitoris pierced

442.

stop eating cup o noodles and diet soda

443.

wear a bra

444.

trade in my Oedipal complex for a Messiah complex

445.

oedipus complex

446.

electra complex

447.

go without sleep so long that i hallucinate

448.

hallucinate on Ambien every day

449.

get rid of my hallucinations

450.

get the hallucinations out of my mind

453.

Go see Debbie Gibson when she is in town in March

454.

faint in public

455.

run until i faint

456.

Faint on the toilet

457.

teach a child to give up in exasperation

458.

be a couch potato

459.

be orange

461.

go bananas

464.

dead pet

465.

vomit

466.

Vomit on someone

467.

vomit as often as possible

468.

Write a poem about vomiting

469.

vomit blood

470.

dog vomit

471.

kill pigeons

473.

squeeze a pigeon

474.

Eat chocolate icecream till i vomit

475.

see pigeons eating vomit

476.

drink from a toilet

477.

learn to play all of Frank Zappa's "Hot Rats" album

478.

burn something at the stake

479.

Steak my claim to fame

480.

sell my liver

482.

get this thing on my eye fixed from when the envelope hit the white part of my eye

483.

Get a tatoo of two eyes and a rose in between both of the eyes with a cloud over top and raindrops!!!

484.

attacked by a deer

485.

be snowed in

486.

snowed in at a bus station

487.

attacked by monkeys in southeast asia

488.

heat stroke

489.

slip on ice while running, have your feet fly out from under you, and land on your head

490.

fall and land on your neck

491.

run with socks on and fall

492.

motion sickness

493.

be taken hostage

494.

metal splinters

495.

high fever

496.

dead battery in your car

497.

mouse infestation

498.

stung by a hornet

499.

get stung by a jellyfish

500.

stung by a honeybee

501.

Get stung by a scorpion

502.

get attacked by a goose

503.

attacked by a rabbit

504.

attacked by a squirrel

505.

attacked by a bat

506.

no electricity for over a week

507.

television destroyed by lightning

508.

leg cramp while having sex

509.

hit your head on something

510.

drive in Connecticut

511.

move to Connecticut

512.

air conditioning in car fails on a long trip

513.

trapped in a small space with a wasp or bee

514.

children screaming outside while you try to sleep

515.

loud neighbors while you try to sleep

516.

accidentally throw your keys in the trash or a dumpster

517.

step on gum

518.

get spit on

519.

step on a large slug while barefoot

520.

your boss sends you home to sober up

521.

hit an animal while driving

522.

bird poos on your head

523.

accident with office equipment that involves caution tape

524.

drunk dialing

525.

alarm clock doesn't go off on an important day

526.

eye twitch

527.

get poked hard in the eye

528.

spouse tells you he or she is gay

This is Buffy's list. Only Buffy can edit it. You can make your own version of this list.

Created by Buffy on May 15, 2007.