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verity79's "Quirkiest goals on 43T"

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Thanks to cranberrygoddess for posting this hysterical list. I’m adopting it too to help spread the word – and the laughter…

cranberry goddess says: "There are so many goals where you look at it and think, I really want to pick that, but I am never seriously going to do it, and I have no more room left on my 43T list, so I figure, why not put them all together in a list so i at least feel satisfied that I have acknowledged their brilliance.

Let me know if you have any good ones that I can add to the list."

1.

I want to dress up like a pirate, hijack a galleon, and board cruise ships without permission. I won't steal anything -- just make the passengers drink rum and wake up wondering if the night before really happened...

2.

receive a letter from Hogwarts apologizing for the late owl but informing me that i am actually a wizard.

3.

pull a prank involving 100 lawn gnomes

4.

skip to class in the morning while the world explodes around me in a plethora of beautiful sonic explosions caused by the collision of multiple strings of space-time after a comet strikes the pope

5.

walk 500 miles, and walk 500 more, just to be the man who walked 1000 miles.

6.

take a brisk walk into a raging firestorm, and come out the other side purified

7.

I want to be someone or see someone taking a break from eating rolls to roll a joint while they roll while drinking a rolling rock while listening to rock and roll in a rolls thats rolling through some rolling hills

8.

marry the guy that invented ROLL-UPS so he can make me roll-ups n our house will be made out of ROLL-UPs

9.

jingle my toes as I slowly jog down the boardwalk, bowling over the penniless beggar monkeys whose wretched existence reminds me of my own tortured past as a sidewalk musician in Kalamazoo, where I played trumpet and harmonica simultaneously

10.

become so jaded and bitter that I drop out of society to live in the wilderness in a timber hut while tending to abstract mathematical theorems, the "MANIFESTO" and have conversations with the ghosts of dead 80's hair metal acts.

11.

Quit thinking I think too much and embrace my thought process

12.

quit having abstract thoughts

13.

quickly split an infinitive

14.

beat someone to death with a can of peas

15.

beat to death with one of their own limbs the first person who suggests it should really be called the 'Báthory Erzsébet Spa & Beauty Retreat'

16.

beat a mouse to death with licorice

17.

live vicariously through Joel

18.

run through the halls of my high school, while Joel screams at the top of his lungs

19.

have Joel's demon love child

20.

fight for civil lefts

21.

get drunk in an old irish pub and a scotish pub to see which gets me more drunk

22.

cause the apocalypse by accident; preferably one involving some sort of unique confectionary concoction and a menagerie of animals

23.

cause a zombie apocalypse

24.

find someone foreign to eat with food

25.

Appear in an Editorial cartoon using the President as a wooden dummy puppet while the President uses a judge as a puppet himself

26.

write a song about keyboards, clowns, and murderous presidents with telepathic sock puppets

27.

spontaneously combust

28.

be less spontaneous

29.

concoct witty comments on Joel's away messages

30.

concoct a plan of world domination

31.

Learn to tie a maraschino cherry stem with my tongue

32.

Be a Jedi Master

33.

Have an underground lair

34.

go to Las Vegas and become a minister of a wedding chapel dressed up like a flying Elvis and marry drunk people with a pink flamingo on a leash by my side

35.

be promoted to my level of incompetence where I will choke the remaining morale out of my workplace and brown nose my gold plated overlord bosses at every chance I can get all while making my minions toil away for a pittance in their cubicle salt mines.

36.

have my own minions, underlings, lackies, toadies, yes-men, or zombies

37.

ride an ostrich

38.

visit every state except Iowa

39.

pull a prank involving a kiddie pool full of pudding

40.

purchase guam

41.

Go on a monopoly board pub crawl

42.

be under the sea in an octopus' garden

43.

skydive in my underwear

44.

Shrink Texas.

45.

annoy an albatross

46.

be a pink plastic flamingo for a day

47.

barbecue a dinosaur

48.

resurrect dinosaurs into the modern era so I can satisfy my curiosity about who would win between dinosaurs and tanks in a battle on the field of honor.

49.

fax cheese

50.

train a monkey to run around in circles in exchange for cheese, and use it to power a cheese-making machine

51.

Own a purple monkey

52.

fight an evil killer robot ninja monkey and his legion of super mutant zombie monkeys, with the help of my friend, future eddee and his trusty sidekick, nacho the super duper donkey

53.

sneeze the alphabet

54.

Slap someone with a fish

55.

inscribe a secret tablet, guide to the ancient stone temple, with the words "when you approach the ancient stone temple you must be attractive and scantily clad"

56.

open a "new army" across the street from an Old Navy Store and give the Old Navy manager a dirty look every morning

57.

Get My Freak On

58.

Invent a time machine, go back and invent said time machine yesterday so I have time machine right now

59.

swim in a bathtub of noodles

60.

Teach my youngest dog to stop scaring other dog owners with her signature scream!

61.

teach linux the cat to act like a cat, not a shark

62.

start a non-profit organization to help people like me with an addiction to juicy juice juice boxes

63.

have a castle surrounded by crocodiles

64.

convince an armadillo he's no better than I am.

65.

Kiss a Giraffe

66.

Be eaten by a panda

67.

convince people that 0+0=1

68.

Not lose my lucky math lipgloss so I can pass math with flying colors and let Heather use it too to make up for giving her my "unlucky" math lipgloss on the midterm back when I thought that lipgloss was lucky!

69.

become a penguin

70.

play duck, duck, goose with a biker gang

71.

get an attack goose

72.

paint a frog on a snail's shell and see if I can get an actual frog to mate with it

73.

Be attacked by a snail

74.

enter a dwarf tossing contest using waldman 4 my dwarf

75.

Fill a suitcase with candy and toys and go on various interviews, during which I will take out the toys and play or slowly unwrap candy and place it on the desk while staring intently at my interviewer

76.

live in a home for the criminally insane. the most insane in the world.

77.

Host a 'mad' tea party; the madness shall be embraced with the help of mushroom tea.

78.

scare my grandchildren with stories of my crazed past

79.

find a quirky male sidekick

80.

hypnotise sheep

81.

Buy a troll with yellow hair

82.

fly up into the sky and then chew on some bubble gum flavored broccoli while the whole moon floats on the Atlantic, Indian and Pacific Oceans which somehow all got transported to a different dimension and galexy so, the moon has trouble getting there, and

83.

Fill a bottle with water from the Pacific Ocean and empty it into the Atlantic Ocean

84.

sell sea shells by the sea shore

85.

see a forklift lift a crate of forks...it would be so damn literal for me...You're using that machine for its exact purpose, that machine has been misunderstood for years!

86.

prong satan with a giant fork

87.

marry an ape

88.

get trapped in a whale' meet panoccio'burn him as fire wood' and come out the whales blow hole

89.

throw turnips at the squirrel that steals my strawberries

90.

hijack one of Kim's threads and have a long meandering conversation about limericks, computer games, and other things not having to do with hats at all

91.

hijack a parade a la Ferris Bueller

92.

grow a diabolical mustache

93.

Go back in time and laugh at Hitlers moustache

94.

slay a dragon

95.

Do some Pirate Radio ... on a Boat. With Pirates.

96.

Shiver yer Timbers

97.

Democratize my ant farm

98.

learn to control animals mind, set a whole of animals free, and have the tigers guard my secret base while i have the monkeys and gibbons stealgold at fort knox and then start a fake buisness as a front for my revolt of the animals to reclaim the world

99.

be the world's greatest nut

100.

make one super-vegetable that contains all other vegetables until there are no more vegetables but my vegetable and i shall take over the world with my vegetable

101.

go drunk golfing

102.

don't write emails when drunk, infact do not even go on the internet when drunk!!!!!

103.

Make a list of 101 lists to list!

104.

color a Kids Menu at a restaurant and enter it in the contest without telling them it was colored by a grown up

105.

have a blog that everyone reads and thinks "hmm"

106.

be discovered while pumping gas into my car and humming along with the music being played over the pumps

107.

have an elephant sneeze on me

108.

Start my own super-super chunky peanut butter line

109.

be there instead of being square

110.

masticate in a public area

111.

Make a long list of arbitrary goals and entries about them then never complete any

112.

be John Malkovich

113.

play a kazoo and do an interpretive dance for the next presidential inaugeration (it will be christopher walken...i know it)

114.

buy a kazoo and glockenspiel and learn some marching band tunes ready for next time my colleague starts his incessent millitary-style drumming on his desk with his fingers.

115.

play bethoven's 5th on the kazoo

116.

learn the banjo and then create and compose for a banjo orchestra

117.

prove that the concertina is aesthetically superior to the accordion

118.

throw something through my tv and have it land on the other side in "Tv land"

119.

make silly bets with silly consequences

120.

extreme iron

121.

psychoanalyze my lizzard

122.

predict the apocalypse

123.

breath fire

124.

obtain a fire-bellied toad

125.

bite apple's apple on the left side

126.

stop comparing apples to oranges and start putting the comparison firmly where it belongs,...with the apple

127.

throttle my chakras

128.

memorize the first fifteen digits of pi, utilizing an anagram of the word "marmotry"

129.

engage in hedonism with marmots, without debauchery with marmots

130.

be in a Catholic punk band with a marmot drummer

131.

play strip physics with seven marmots

132.

become a Minister of Silly Walks to heretic marmots

133.

do everything i need to get done for monday before the flavour is gone in my ice breakers ice cube gum

134.

make people realize just how ridiculous and wonderful the word "coffee" is: coffee. coffee. coffee. coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee! coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee. Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee! Coffee, coffee? C

135.

Kiss my Chihuahuas

136.

when it's raining have an umbrella so i can perform the song and dance for singing in the rain.:D

137.

learn ALL the words to "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice

138.

when the time is right, steal Richard Bransons spaceships and become an intergalactic space villain whilst keeping the space female go-go dancers as crewmen and NOT be forced to comply to pastel uniform styles.

139.

Spread the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

140.

spread the gospel of the flaming cabbage

141.

Gather public support that I am the true hebrew messiah by obnoxious methods, that way I can join the growing pantheon of the flying spaghetti monster

142.

meet the flying spaghetti monster

143.

spread the Mental_Floss gospel

144.

Tell the next Jehovahs witness to come to your door about a great spaghetti monster

145.

Spread the message of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism

146.

knit a flying spaghetti monster

147.

become a sith lord

148.

Construct Vogon poetry out of goals

149.

meet a man who smells faintly of lemons and Vogons

150.

become President of the Galaxy (Zaphod beware!)

151.

get an attack wombat

152.

stop the lizards invasion

153.

get a dingo+husky+sausage dog pups who will all live in harmony

154.

Love her, follow West Ham United, and understand the Dingo

155.

spit on a dingo

156.

Re-invent the hedgehog

157.

sneak a porcupine into a petting zoo

158.

participate plastically with particular porcupines

159.

find the jellyfish of love

160.

wrestle oversized zebras

161.

build a gigantic flying robot Buddha

162.

Re-start The Obstreperiously Cantankerous Stentorians, and rule the musical world

163.

Open a restaurant or market my potato(e) dishes and call it "This Spuds For You" or "You Say Potato(e) I Say F*ck You" (Sorry that last one was my hubbies suggestion)- I still think there should be an E on the end.

164.

give a Canadian a bouquet of weeds (weed flowers) from someone else (even if the someone else didn't know about it)

165.

date an elf

166.

set an elf on fire

167.

Catch a fairy

168.

write dairy everyday

169.

have a chocolate cow

170.

have a cow man

171.

marry a mermaid

172.

Get a parrot and teach it to talk like Yoda

173.

rig my car so windshield wiper fluid will hit the cars behind me

174.

taxi an airplane through the airport

175.

make love to a seahorse

176.

live in a fancy neighborhood and then be the quirky neighbor with all the cats

177.

give knighthoods to haggis eaters the world over, and let them henceforth be known as Hamish McHaggis

178.

Let it be known that I appreciate the quirkiness of the Hasselhoffs

179.

hack someone's computer and surprise them by remotely opening their CD tray

180.

make a "Waldo" dress and have someone find me in a huge crowd

181.

howl at the moon

182.

report a very similar goal

183.

gently remind all those stuck-up,mean-spirited,haute couture-hypnotized,frozen-beauties that they're just walking mini-oceans with oily chunks of tissue supported by rickety calcium rods that are wrapped up in a semi-permeable,UV resistant membrane.

184.

Remember that just because you're not Paranoid, doesn't mean they're not all out to get you...or even some(one)

185.

spend the night foraging for edible plants in a brazilian jungle

186.

cultivate unassailable poise

187.

come up with 43 super-stellar, neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie, tubularly bitchin goals

188.

come up with a new English word

189.

invent a new color of crayola crayon.. and also make a new line of crayola crayons that have flavors that match their colors

190.

mail a banana

191.

have a miniature beagle

192.

have a journey around the world on Beagle

193.

promulgate the medicinal uses of bananas

194.

stay on the razor

195.

Spend an extended time on a train thinking about anything and everything and nothing and come up with crazy ideas that you would only come up with with hours and hours of time spent looking out a train window watching the everything go by.

196.

write a book or zine about the trio that lives on my dashboard-jojo (the spider monkey), skully (the packet of skull + Xbones tissues) and lump of coal (a lump of coal I found in the railyard)

197.

meet a girl whose gaze sends chills up my spine and pushes my heart off a yawning abyss only to collapse in a vertiginous lump of malleable tissue, which ends up with me saying "yes, dear," a lot in my advanced age and hiding behind the Sunday Times

198.

Learn how to stop looking for something that I'm holding in my hand: and by the way, those sunglasses that I've been searching for with a rising temperature of irritation--best measured in British Thermal Units--are on my flippin' head.

199.

find out why crying makes you produce enormous amounts of snot.

200.

Be able to sell my snot on Ebay for thousands of dollars

201.

Turn the world upside down

202.

turn the world upside down if that's what it takes to find a gorgeous redhead!

203.

howl with the beagle

204.

eat a crayon

205.

find a unique, cute little travel mascot to take with me on all trips and photograph "him" next to touristy sites wherever i go...(kind of like the traveling gnome).

206.

drink kava which has been masticated by virgins

207.

Restore my virginity

208.

Find out if the Hokey-Pokey really IS what it's all about

209.

Remember that "There is no spoon"

210.

Pour a big bowl of cereal, get your spoon, and the paper and pour orange juice then grab the milk and realize there is no milk and you are not having cereal this morning, not at all

211.

fill the red car with jelly and push it off of a cliff so I can hear it "Splat" and then laugh and laugh.

212.

Pretend my house is haunted, so I can have paranormal detectives check it out and then laugh when they don't find ghosts

213.

Get a pet donkey, so I can openly and publically extol the virtues of my ass

214.

Go back in time and take embarrassing photos of Stalin in the bath

215.

go back in time so i can watch myself say i want go back in time, and say that I will never go back in time and it's a stupid thing that you want to do

216.

unleash my inner lustmonkey

217.

Become the Mayor of "funky town"

218.

Say farewell to my 34th year, a.k.a The Year of Debauchery and welcome and name my 35th year something that'll get me in less trouble.

219.

I want to take one day a week to piddle around. This is not the same day that I rest and nap and lolligag. I need two nonwork days. If I choose to work a little, fine.

220.

celebrate New Years twice in one year by crossing the International Date Line.

221.

sell michigan to canada

222.

write the screenplay of the Chinese version of The Office

223.

Look for opportunities to say dramatic lines like, "You'll live to regret this" or "Hello, my name is Indigo Montoyo. You killed my father! Prepare to die."

224.

this is dumb. folks, go read a newspaper, smoke a joint if you must, go fish down yonder in the river, but don't waste your time on this! remember, you'll regret it when you're old and tired of living...

225.

be a succulent wild woman

226.

climb mount everest and at the summit wail on a guitar to a 80's hair metal act like Van Halen or Dokken while fighter jets fly over streaming the stars and stripes and bigfoot trucks driven by swimsuit models climb up the mountain.

227.

visit all the taco vans/trucks/buses in Seattle

228.

Try to levitate a bus with 100 people inside and 50 sitting around it-a big bus.

229.

Sing, "The Wheels on the Bus" on a bus.

230.

Train my cat to walk on a leash.

231.

Get them to film a Godzilla Mockumentary in IMAX!

232.

Build a life-sized replica of Stonehenge in South Dakota, have the Discovery Channel film it and watch the politicians get $signs in their eyes, then not let anyone in except for weddings and dragon hunts.

233.

build a life size replica of myself from Lego

234.

Complete every social experiment I found in my Grandfather's Scrapbook from 1938.

235.

List 100 things that make me a harmless eccentric

236.

make sure all of the preppie people go to hell and burn

237.

Burn all of my Ebay junk straight to hell.

238.

conquer the known universe and be known as Emperor Zod Almighty

239.

get photos of the 43 shittest Origami known to mankind

240.

build a fort in my livingroom

241.

turn my left foot into a vending machine

242.

turn a sewing machine into a hat

243.

Turn my hamster into a Fighting Machine.

244.

celebrate my inner Hasselhoff

245.

SHAMELESSLY BEG FOR A MAGAZINE COVER OF DAVID HASSELHOFF. And ... a spork not colored black or white.

246.

feast on the flesh of the living

247.

see if anyone will cheer this

248.

look into the abyss to see the abyss looking back at me. Hey! Abyss! Who are you exactly?

249.

(misuse parentheticals)

250.

aquire some cool, marmot related goals, to be part of the "hip crowd" :)

251.

clean my entire house by dipping marmot tails in lemon juice

252.

Discover some hitherto unknown attribute of the universe that physics can't explain and therefore deems "dark-something"

253.

create an interpretive dance for "bat out of hell"

254.

Explain something through interpretive dance.

255.

find a way to gather every existing person who calls themselves 'emo' or 'scenster' and destroy them all at once. Maybe using fire.

256.

eat all existance

257.

suddenly, and against all probability, be called into existence

258.

see a leopard fight a oyster

259.

see a priest fight a wizard

260.

make a robot blush

261.

catch salmon with me "bear" hands (like a bear)

262.

make a robot kill a bear

263.

smoke a cigarette with bigfoot

264.

find a cure for Prune Belly Syndrome

265.

find a cure for gravity

266.

build a race car out of spoon bread

267.

Tap a gerbil with a pencil until it gives me 3 wishes

268.

sharpen a pencil to such a fine point, that when i throw it, it moves faster than the speed of light and travels back in time

269.

Watch "The Wizard of Oz" at the same time as listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon"

270.

make peace with my shadow

271.

make friends with the monsters under my bed

272.

always know where my towel is

273.

uncover a government conspiracy

274.

create a coven dedicated to Isis

275.

Raise hell...without harming others or myself!

276.

Change the name of Hell to New Hell.

277.

glow in the dark

278.

climb mount everest and defeat the evil lord Zorron with green magic lighting bags. I also wish to become a dark mage of the dark burrow.

279.

chew my cud

280.

go on a drunken camping trip

281.

study drunken boxing

282.

colonize mars

283.

accidently dial someone in croatia

284.

genetically engineer fire-spewing dragons

285.

I want to be the person who discovers exactly how much wood a woodchuck could chuck IF a woodchuck could chuck AND willingly would chuck wood!

286.

throw a chinese throwing star at a mall santa

287.

eat grass

288.

end up marooned on a deserted tropical island

289.

spend my retired years sitting in a cafe in France, with a big black hat, pearls, black dress and gloves, smoking my cig that has a black long filter.

290.

have one white tiger, one white parrot, and one white dog

291.

visit Sri Lanka--the only country shaped like a mango! The men wear funny half-rodes when they are relaxing and eat late at night...with their hands!

292.

drink wine late into the night and talk about something meaningless but seemingly important at the time with someone smart, funny and slightly dangerous

293.

Share the idiosyncracies of small town southern life

294.

declare world war three, because a pizza told me to!

295.

declare war on punctuation

296.

be brief, concise and to the Point: this means not being verbose and going on and on about stuff endlessly and so on and so forth. Fortunately, I know at least one person who has no problem with this.

297.

some mystery person's cold to go away so they are the chipper fun person they usually are (not that they aren't chipper and fun even with a nasty virus) so go away mr. icky virus/cold guy and go off and visit the white house, they'll like you there.

298.

be slightly more funkay although not so funkay so that I alientate those who are somewhat less funky than me.

299.

fix my "things" so that I can complete them more often and experience success. AND be better at writing more concise goals

300.

i would like to dance with a peacock

301.

help my daughter make the world's biggest cookie, because she is a cookie pirate

302.

avoid cliches like the plague

303.

Figure out a logical manner in which to compile the "20 people i will have in my bunker when the plague breaks out" list

304.

Put a Plague on Both Their Houses

305.

use the line" Baby, you've got more culture than a petri dish"

306.

screw space ships, i'll make an earth ship, and fly the whole earth through space

307.

have the precision of a German

308.

extract my own DNA at home

309.

sit in a booth next to J.D. Salinger and eavesdrop on his conversation

310.

make my pet a pet thereapist

311.

practice random acts of dentistry

312.

be recognized as the eighth deadly sin

313.

eat a penny

314.

follow a dubious religion

315.

debunk some myths and then "bunk" some of my own

316.

get a job that requires a lot of acronyms

317.

change F.Y.I. into a true acronym by pronouncing it phi-yee

318.

recite a Shakespeare soliloquy in front of lots of people who aren't expecting it (like in an airport terminal, or in a movie theatre line)

319.

make an arch-nemesis

320.

sing opera while having a heated battle with my arch nemesis on top of a runaway train

321.

force my nemesis to read all Proust

322.

Have a plan that isn't thwarted by those meddling kids

323.

become a millionaire and become monkeyman and go to gotham city and meet batman.. and become his sidekick!

324.

Become a stand up comic while simultaneously becoming curator of the MoMa

325.

own a miniature donkey

326.

make a sculpture out of grease

327.

eat more grease and gristle

328.

taste the rainbow

329.

find out more about the rooster who hangs out at my local library

330.

teach my baby sign language

331.

gain magical powers

332.

go without sleep so long that i hallucinate

333.

ducktape somebody to the ceiling

334.

make a dress out of duct tape

335.

duct tape myself to a tree

336.

find an ugly baby

337.

embrace awkward moments

338.

have a "republicans for voldemort" bumpersticker

339.

steal a hippo

340.

have aubergine dreams

341.

convert all fried egg-eaters into scrambled egg-eaters

342.

turn into a teapot

343.

live in a cave

344.

avenge the death of my master

345.

kiss a toad

346.

defrock a priest

347.

host a drum circle in my yard during full moon or new moon and invite a bunch of people I barely know but are willing to come just because it's a drum circle

348.

Foil a crime scene in a heroic fashion.

349.

make a hat out of aluminum foil

350.

get my leftovers in an aluminum foil swan

351.

go bowling on ice

352.

lose control of my bowels and adamantly deny it.

353.

acquire a harem

354.

keep a harem of norwegian manwhores

355.

be swedish indeed

356.

fail again, fail better

357.

iron in the rain

358.

bust a ghost!

359.

become the pigeon queen

360.

buy a pigeon and call him tony

361.

buy a pet billy goat and call him Eric

362.

Visit Dylans Candy Shop...... buy 64 bazillion gumballs....come home and through them at my DIL!! hehe teach him to call me 'canface'

363.

irritate an iguana

364.

Become master of space time and dimension ... then go to france

365.

become master of all space and time

366.

buy a hollowed out volcano with appropriate evil lair furnishings sans the scientologists.

367.

Become a crazy old cat lady

368.

pick blackberries in a thunderstorm

369.

Have really expensive, super plush socks

370.

stop killing hobos

371.

build up an immunity to iocane powder

372.

take a bath with powdered milk

373.

Make a fermented beverage from the brain fluids of my vanquished enemies

374.

drink nail varnish remover again

375.

Go to a hotel for absolutely no reason except to use the amenities.

376.

Have one of the most happening barber shops in town

377.

shock the bourgeoisie

378.

go to the love shack

379.

be stretched on a rack

380.

get a masters degree: make people call me master

381.

sell drugs in church

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Created by verity79 on Aug 26, 2007.